Stop! Before you read any further it is important for you to realize that not just anyone can be popular. Get real. It takes hard work, dedication, focus, guts, bravery, courage, brain power, mind power and intelligence. If you think you have what it takes, then follow my guide to being popular. I should know… I’m the most popular girl at West Swedshon Junior High School in Swedshon, Indiana, and let me tell you that I did not get where I am today by sitting around on my rump. If you want to know how I achieved my popularity, then read the guide below, because it was influenced by my own true-life experiences. (I didn’t just invent it out of thin air, you know.)

1. Popularity: What is it and why do we want it?

Answer: Popularity is when everyone knows who you are at school, in a good way. It’s kind of like being famous. Boys think you are hawt and girls want to chilax with you. People are also scared of you because a) you do mean stuff, and b) they are jealous, and they have a fear-problem with their own jealousy. Popularity is a good thing to have because it allows you to have more fun at school and more pictures in the yearbook. There is also a high rate of future adult popularity among popular teens, so you want to start off on the right foot in order to build a good life.

2. Frequently asked questions

“Am I popular?”
No, you are not. If you were popular, you would know it. Trust me. I should know…I’m popular.

“Why am I not popular?”
If you are not popular, take a good long look at your friends, your clothes, and your entire body. If you are fat and/or have zits, then that is why (for starters). If you have a rockin’ bod and your skin is clear, then think about how you’ve been spending your time, for example, with dorky friends and/or wearing lame outfits? If so, then that is an issue. Ask yourself: Where do I sit in the cafeteria? Have I ever frenched? Do I go shopping for my own bras all by myself, or does my mom take me? If you answered “no” to any of these questions, then you should realize why you aren’t popular, because it’s so obvious.

“How can I become popular?”
You probably can’t. You could try to become friends with someone medium popular in order to meet the truly popular people that they know, but the thing of it is that everyone will remember that you used to be a loser. (People do not forget about stuff like that!) You could become hawt, but this is very hard to do… unless you’re a magician!!! (Yeah right, magicians aren’t even real.) Basically, the only way to become popular is to either switch schools and pray for a miracle, or become a model. (This girl at my school, her name is Deb Webster but we used to call her “Deb Dorkster” and it was so funny. But then we heard through the grapevine that she was actually a part-time model in New York City and that her modeling name was actually Doreen. So that’s what we call her now, “Doreen.” To be honest she is so friggin’ weird I want to die but she has to be hung out with because, after all, she is a model and she has been to NYC on a fairly regular basis. It’s kind of a no-brainer, if you really think about it.)

Okay, so you’ve decided to become popular. Give yourself a high-five or whatever.

3. Popularity checklist (things you will need):
-Good looks (hawtness)
-Cool clothes (stylish)
-Popular friends (good luck)
-Your period
-Trendy snacks at your house for when people come over (hot pockets, sunny d, etc.)
-Something that other people want (examples: cool bike, breasts, centrally located locker, phone in your room, a walkman, a canopy bed, a boyfriend, a cleaning-lady, parents who stay out of your life, and a large allowance. Popularity doesn’t come cheap. Money talks, nobody walks, etc.)

4. Tricks of the trade (things popular people do):
-Frenching (this means to kiss a boy with your tongues touching. It is also sometimes called first base or tonsil hockey. Do it.)
-Be rude to your mom in front of people.
-Never fart (my friend Donna McDonald once farted at the Burger Lord in front of everyone and it almost ruined her for life.)
-Litter.

So that’s my guide to being popular. If you’ve read this far, I guess you think you can cut it. You can’t, but you’re going to have to find that out on your own. In the meantime, I’ve gotta make for the Burger Lord. Anyone who’s anyone is gonna be there. Get it?