Last week, I was sporting my extremely expensive floor-length Chinchilla vest while sitting with Jennifer and Donna in the cafeteria. I was casually chomping on my watercress sandwich when Vanessa “Earth Day” Robles strode up with her posse of bio-bangers and said, “It’s like you’re wearing the souls of 20 murdered animals,” and I was like, “It’s probably more like 50.” Then she stormed off with her dirty hair and cargo shorts

Then yesterday I was at my locker, petting the picture of Chad Loaf i keep tucked in my math binder, when Robles came over and was all, “Your leather dress makes you look like a mammal-cannibal.” And then I was all, “Actually, no, it makes me look sexual.” And then she was like, “You’re a killer.” And then I was like, “I WILL BURY YOU IN A SHALLOW GRAVE,” and that shut her up.

Seriously though, Vanessa really got under my skin and I started thinking about why it’s okay to kill/wear animals, as if I have to justify myself to anyone, but whatever. I’ve picked my brain from front to back and side to side, and here are my reasons why animals desserve to die/be worn.

1. Animals will eat your face.

When I was five my parents bought me the rare Blanc de Hotot rabbit for Easter. I named him Piptit. I was in the middle of giving Piptit a buzz cut with my dad’s electric nose hair trimmer when he lunged and took a chunk out of my lower lip. I had to get 127 stitches and plastic surgery. The following evening we had Hare with Morels for supper. Now a teen, I wear as much rabbit/chinchilla as I please. Payback’s a bitch, isn’t it bunnies?

2. Animals are fat.

My parents forced me to go to ranch camp (ew) one summer in New Mexico. I met a girl from California who lived on a farm. Her family went away for the weekend and accidentally left the door to the hay storage area open or something like that. The cows got in. They came back and all the cows were dead. Their stomachs had exploded because they just kept eating the hay, they couldn’t stop. That is gluttony and gluttony is one of the seven deadly sins, so God or whoever thinks it’s fine to make a nice bag out of their fat hide. Also, veal is so tastey. (Note: lamb also makes a very nice bag and chop.)

3. Animals are dirty.

Foxes live in holes and lick their butts. They also make lovely stoles.

4. Animals are gross.

Last year I had to do a research paper for Mrs. LaPiere’s Biology class, and I chose to write about the Iberian Lynx because 1) there was a show on the national geographic channel about it so i wouldn’t have to read (score), and 2) I really wanted one for my fourteenth birthday (in capelet form). I was watching the show and thinking, “okay, the lynx is like a really big cat, isn’t it pretty–” when suddenly the lynxes started bumping uglies for like five whole minutes. In the next scene they tore a deer to shreds and rolled around in its blood. Nasty. I’m sorry but anything that unicivilized deserves to be endangered.

I’m done. You probably won’t agree with my rationale but you also probably wear crocs and eat kashi. To each his own or whatever. On a final note, remember that nothing really ever dies if it lives on in your closet.

$$$
-Millie Miller, wealthiest girl in Swedshon

previously by Millie: Millie Miller’s Book Report on Little Women